“Can you see today?” I asked him.
“Well, what do you think, I am blind? I can see everyday, it’s just that on few days all I can see is darkness” he replied.
“And is there a light at the end of tunnel today?” I asked him smilingly. You may later feel that this was a little mean but two of us have come a long way for me to be overly sensitive about his situation.
“Well, you think you have such a handsome face that if I can see I would call you instead of some young pretty lass. Now would you pour me a coffee.” he said laughingly. He loves to laugh at his jokes.

He is a unique case. He is suffering from occasional blindness. Now, I don’t know if a disease like this is even remotely considered a possibility in medical science but for him it was a reality that he woke up to everyday. There are days when he can see a day in all its glory and there were other days when all he has to work with were shades of darkness. There is no method in this madness, he could see on a Monday and go without vision for 3-4 days or can play tic-tac-toe with sight with each getting alternate chances. You can think of him as a blind who can see on some days or someone normal who turns blind on several days.

“You know Siddhartha I think I am unfortunate in a fortunate way.” he quipped as we sipped our coffee.

I knew what he is talking about. “Well, that’s one way to look at it, you could even call yourself plain lucky, not many people who can’t see, sleep with a realistic hope that when they will get up next day, they would be able to see.” I replied.

“I know Sid, not to have something is unfortunate in its own way but when you have something but you are constantly living with a fear that it would not last, sometimes it saps all the joy of owning it. There are people who are born blind, they have never seen a rainbow they can never tell what a rainbow is like. World is merely a collection of words for them – it’s sad but then they don’t feel that acute pang of loss when someone says aloud how beautiful the rainbow is. But I know what a beautiful sight it is to look at the nature putting colours on sky with single brush-stroke and so in that moment of disability I feel cheated. Once that moment pass I thank my stars for that I have at least seen what a rainbow is like and I can definitely see it again. And trust me, it indeed is reassuring. But Siddhartha, insecurity in vision and momentary frustration in blindness; they just end up ruining too much.”

“But that’s not right, why do you worry so much about tomorrow, why not just let yourself deal in today? Why try and insure joy for tomorrow and in the process end up spoiling the today?” I offered him some seemingly wise counsel.

“Because its human nature and I am one. You know what man strives for – Happiness - it’s different from joy. It is lasting and comforting. We never plan for joy, we always plan for happiness. I wish I was a gambler, staking everything on the present, saving nothing for future. But I am not. When I look at the morning sun, I want to get used to its pleasure only if I can promise myself that I can have it everyday. But the moment, doubt make its way in my mind, whispering in hushed tones that tomorrow while the sun may still be there but for me it could be a dark day, I just don’t know what happens to me. I no more care for the sunshine at that moment – I see no joy, all am left with is self pity.”

“Hmmm, you know what you should do, you should instead absorb so much from the moment that it last you a few days.” I said trying to give him instant solution.

“Siddhartha, Ask someone who lost someone close or faced an impending loss. And you would realize that one can never get so much from someone that he wouldn’t miss him when he is gone. More you get, more you will miss. Loss has something about it which can never be compensated by over-filling. And that’s why we all fear loss. That’s why we all fear living a moment to the hilt because when that moment is gone, the emptiness hits you like a rock. Insecurity is just a messenger of loss. What I fear is my loss of vision. I lose it every other day but that doesn’t diminish my fear of loss - it only heightens it. Fear only grows with time. You can try and not flinch in the face of fear but denying the existence of fear is mere immaturity.”

I couldn’t disagree with him. We all grow up try being heroes or supermen. We forget man is fallible, he does get scared. We preach heroism but moment someone takes off his superman mask and come down from pedestal of strongest and wisest – it becomes difficult to tell them what to do. All along I was trying to tell him what a perfect person would have done, but the moment he pulled out his certificate of imperfection, put it in front of me and asked me – Now that I am imperfect tell me what should I do – I was suddenly lost for words.

But he was not.

“You know Siddhartha, it’s very strange, but I am more relaxed on the days I can’t see, probably because I think hopefully tomorrow won’t be as bad as today. Its hope that keeps me relaxed. But on the days I can see when ideally things should be better, things are worse because what plays constantly on back of my mind is that tomorrow would be worse than today. I spend hours thinking what I would do when I won’t able to see tomorrow. It’s as if vision is merely a preparatory camp for blindness. I never really figured why Tomorrow is so important but it is. They all say what you have today is more important than what you can have tomorrow but all my life I have realized what I can have tomorrow has always been more important for me than what I have today. I will sleep a happy man through all the strife today if you can promise me happiness tomorrow. Why is tomorrow so much more important than today, Siddhartha?”

“Probably, because life is actually a collection of one today and lots of tomorrows. Everyday we wake up to innumerable tomorrows looking into our face. A tomorrow that we have not seen, we don’t recognize and which can completely undo all that today may bring. Just think of it, Tomorrow is like that superpower that in a single sweep make all that we cherish today insignificant. Come to think of it, you are right, a terrific today can be thrilling but it’s the knowledge that tomorrow has been secured which would actually sooth our nerves.” I paused at this moment to look at his reaction.

He was smiling and I knew what he was smiling at. What I had just said was diametrically opposite to how I have started but both of us have been through this before. Arguments are like battles, both parties are just concerned about defending their line but conversations are like long walks, even if you start on two different sides of the road you end up getting to the same side and it never matters who crossed over, no one really cares about it.

“But as I said, I might be unfortunate but in a fortunate way. At least there are days when I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Just that you always want a little more than what life brings you and I am no different. Probably one of these days I will find a promise of tomorrow that can keep my today pretty and peaceful. And I guess then it would all be fine.” he said smilingly.

And I just smiled back. His blind eyes were beginning to see a dream and I was not about to disturb that dream.