He got up in the morning and that feeling of emptiness was there again. This feeling has lingered on for a while now. He had hoped once he gets used to his decision, this feeling would just disappear but that was not to be. He so much wished at that moment that he hadn’t made this decision but then he knew he doesn’t even want to reverse it. All he wanted to escape from was this feeling that life is about to change too much, too quickly. There was this nagging fear of things drifting away, of something precious being lost forever. And on top of it, he knew the day when all this is going to hit him hard. He wanted to postpone it but with every morning he was actually getting near it.

He didn’t want to get out of bed, he looked at the table clock and he still had few minutes. He wanted to hold that ticking hand of the clock and stop it. He started thinking of his schedule for the day to distract himself but soon he again found himself thinking of the same thing. So often, few things become so central to our lives that whatever we do, it all leads us to that.

But then this was his own decision. Yeah, others did play a part in making him sit down to decide but when he made the decision – it was entirely his – no influence, no coercion, no pressure. But he still wanted to blame everyone who questioned him. After all, had they not questioned him – he would have never felt the need to seek the answer. His thoughts wandered to those joyous mornings few summers back, when there was no fear, no anxiety - when it was all so serene and peaceful.

And then his phone rang, he picked up the phone and heard the voice of his sweet little girl, “ Hey Dad, How are you? When are you coming home?” He talked to her for several minutes till the alarm clock reminded him that he needs to get off the bed now.

And so he did but the incessant chatter of his daughter has filled in all the emptiness within him with loads of joy. He was no more scared of losing anything. Calm and peace has returned. And so has the promise – promise of a new life which he was actually looking forward to.He was now ready to turn the page of his life, but before that he needed to finish this one.

And so he got up to get ready, he picked up the newspaper and saw his face on the front page again. A bold headline next to the photograph read – “Adam Gilchrist retires tomorrow”

It’s amazing how one’s life constantly change over the years. Passions, priorities, people - they all change as years walk by. If you look back, you would realize that at different points in time, different things meant so much to you. Wonder, if life could have been recorded, not just in photographs or videos but in some way where images can be preserved together with feelings, emotions, promises, aspirations and dreams of those moments. And on one of those lazy Saturday mornings when you have nothing better to do, how about playing back your life with a cup of coffee in your hand.

When I look back, what hits me is the force of emotions during the times gone by. How engrossed we were about getting that one thing in that one moment, as if life almost hinged upon it. It always felt like a ‘make or break’ then though now come to think of it – neither when we got what we wanted it turned life into a fairytale nor life turned into a miserable melancholy when we failed to get what we desired. It’s just that this wisdom always dawns when we can free ourselves from the emotional intensity of those moments.

“Intensity”, yeah that’s the word. It’s the intensity with which we throw ourselves in a moment that makes it so difficult for us to gather ourselves when those times have passed. But then, it’s just not about pulling oneself from losses but also staying sober through success. Because so often what shatters people is not just the failure to get what one yearned for but also the realization that life has not really changed much even after getting what you sought so much. But indifference & disenchantment are no solutions, intensity is a must, it drives you, it keeps you afloat and it brings lot of joy and so what if it makes it difficult too, it’s all part of the experience called ‘Life’.

Another thing I find interesting is how demanding we are of life. So often we are just like that kid, who would throw tantrums to get that toy which caught his fancy a few days back. But the day he gets it, that’s it, he might play with it for a day or two but it's just a matter of time till he finds that other toy which he now wants just as badly as he wanted the earlier one. Just like this kid, all of us always have something on top of our wish-list which we want out of life. At every step we tell ourselves – this is all I want but the moment we get it – that’s it. Soon, we want something else – and now that’s all we want. And somewhere in that process, if we don’t get something - well, life would always hear from us – look you didn’t give me that or else I wouldn’t have wanted this.

But I guess am drifting, what was in my mind when I started writing is how much life changes with time. How as a kid I had absolutely different dreams about my life ahead, as a teen it changed and then over the years I kept churning and changing the dreams of my future. Today I have different expectations from life – ones I feel are almost critical for my future happiness but probably few years down the line I might realize that all of them were inconsequential to how life turned out for me. Probably, today I have got much more from life than what I might have had, if life would have strictly given me only what I asked her for. So in a way it's good that life charts its own path, different from the one I want it to. Sometimes, one may get overawed by the change and may feel that his life has lost its way but probably all life is doing is putting you on a hidden trail of happiness, which you couldn't have discovered on your own.

This post started as a comment in response to Navya’s comment to my last post. But once it assumed its current length I decided to put it as a separate post. So, ideally this one should be read in conjunction with the last para of my previous post & Navya’s comment on that.


So let me start by presenting you a scenario.

Let’s assume there is this very difficult but extremely prestigious exam on Nuclear Physics that people from world over take. Among the numerous participants, there is one 42 year old eminent Nuclear Scientist & a 14-year old class Xth kid. Now when the results, come in our kid or whiz kid (whatever you wanna call him) scores 97 out of 100..Amazing…people stand up to take note, a 14 year old scoring 97 in such a difficult exam. He was hailed everywhere, got standing ovation wherever he went, was interviewed by media as if they have no one else to interview etc. etc. No denying that for a 14 year old to achieve what he did deserves all accolades that he got. But our eminent scientist let’s just call him Mr. K (scientists like such names) scored 98 which was highest among all participants. For a 42 year old nuclear scientist to score highest in a nuclear physics exam is commendable but no miracle.

Now entire public, media and our whizkid himself is demanding that he is declared the topper of this exam notwithstanding that Mr. K scored higher marks. Almost everyone is saying that kid is pure genius (which is something I am not denying) and so he deserves this honour but my problem is he is still the second best in absolute terms. May be if we revise the merit list on Score/Age basis, he would top it but on absolute score basis, Mr. K deserves the honour of topping this exam.

Case of this TZP kid – Darsheel – is same – he may have done great for his age and therefore deserve a special jury/critics award but not the best actor one. That should go to the guy who acted best irrespective of whether he has done 150 movies before or if he is 42, 52, 62. Now, limited question is, are you seeing him as a kid who acted exceedingly well or an actor who acted well. And when I look at him from latter point of view, I don’t see him as the best MAN. But then that’s merely my two Singapore cents.

Personally, I also believe that people are getting swayed by superb emotional appeal that TZP holds and therefore over-rating the kid’s effort (which doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is excellent but just that I don’t think he is something humanity has never seen before) but then that’s an extremely personal view which I won’t even like to present as an argument.

And finally to all Darsheel supporters – IQ comment in my last post was extremely light hearted, just in keeping with the tone of the post and it was not meant to disparage the intellect of any terrestrial or extra-terrestrial being (or for that matter, artificial intelligence of any super-computer even). And I hope no one took any offence to it, if you did my heartfelt apologies.

321 years back an apple fell and Newton discovered gravity. Today, it was turn of sensex to take a fall and for Indian investor to discover gravity. And what a costly way to discover that – 6.6 lakh crore is what it cost M-cap of India Inc. to discover that whatever goes up comes down. Hopefully, that would drive some SENSE in sensex.

Btw, if you heard me say 6.6 lakh crore, i.e. because I am sitting in Singapore 6 hours away from India. Am pretty sure, had you asked someone in India, they would have said we lost 6.6 crore “Nanos” today. Yups am talking about Tata Nano - supposedly the best thing to have happened to India since Sachin Tendulkar. And, I must say am in no mood to contest that. People might tell you that this would make Indian roads more congested, air more polluted and neighbourhoods more cluttered (where is the parking space anyways?). But I am willing to dismiss that as an elitist view, because I don’t think anyone who made such comments takes a bus to office or cycles his way through. To me, Tata Nano is yet another step towards empowerment of Great Indian Middle Class. And, given huge petrol/diesel subsidies by Govt. of India, for once government is literally fuelling the aspirations of Indian public.

And that reminds me, if you are a foreigner, have recently found yourself in India and wondering why no tourist or business brochure ever told you that most important city in India is Perth. Stay calm, don’t waste your dollars or euros in buying latest map of India, because Google is right when it tells you that only known ‘Perth’ on face of earth is in Western Australia. India has just won a cricket test match there and that’s all. It’s amazing, how we as a nation starved for sporting success goes overboard with any little piece of success that comes our way. We flaunt it so much that it becomes embarrassing at times. But then for all the dollars we pump in global cricket circus, there is something to show at least.

But there ain’t a circus more amusing than Politics and politics can’t get stranger anywhere but in subcontinent. After all where else would you find seasoned politicians asking a 19 year old to run a country? That’s right - Mr. Bilal Zardari/Bhutto must be the most important teenager after Harry Potter in current times, after all he is prime minister elect for running the most unstable democratic government in world. Sounds similar to calls for Priyanka and Rahul Gandhi to take up prime-ministership in aftermath of Rajiv Gandhi’s assassination. Wonder when would people in this part of world will get out of feudal age mentality and graduate to democracy in true sense of the word.

And finally, now that we have discussed, cricket, politics, business and sensex, fitting closure to this post would be a mention of Bollywood. And in current times, when one’s EQ (Emotional Quotient) is being measured by asking if he/she cried while watching Taare Zameen Par or not, how could I discuss something else. I must say that the movie is top rate, kid has really done exceedingly well and Aamir Khan has created one of the finest cinematic moments in form of the song “Maa…”. But “best actor award for the child” …well, where’s your IQ buddy?

Wish this didn’t happen - wish that happened differently - wish I could do it again.
But fortunately or unfortunately none such wishes are ever granted because Time is a one way street. There are no U-turns, There ain’t any going back. If you didn’t refill fuel of joy at the last gas station, you just will have to wait for the next. If you let go of any moments, they are lost forever – not to be regained, not to be rediscovered. You can find similar moments further ahead in your life but the ones you wasted, are gone for good.

We keep waiting for things to happen the way we want them to happen and during that wait we turn a blind eye to moments that are waiting to be embraced and enjoyed. As time ticks by, we grow impatient and then we pick the hammer made of our perceptions and start striking those moments hard, hoping we would succeed in moulding them the way we want to see them. While a few of us succeed, but far more of us only succeed in disfiguring and destroying the moments. And soon, we are just left with battered moments all around us.

And then you wish you had done things differently. You had smilingly hugged those moments as they were rather than ignoring them for ones which were never to be. You wish you had held those moments tight rather than letting them go, hoping they would return. But when has time ever come back? When it drifts - it just keeps going further and further away.

And therefore, may be key is to not try and wait for time to change but to step up and change the way you look at time. Key is not to sit and say that’s how I wanted my moments to be but to start enjoying the moments as they are. And may be in the process they may just lead you to the times which you were wishing for.

com·mu·nal·ism
\-nə-ˌli-zəm\
Noun: loyalty to a sociopolitical grouping based on religious or ethnic affiliation

That’s right out of Webster.
And reason why I needed to look up Webster for the most commonly used word in Indian politics today is because am fast realizing that this could possibly be the most misunderstood word in politics as well.

So, Mr. Narendra Modi won Gujarat elections yesterday for his third consecutive term. I remember five years back when he had won a similar majority I was extremely distraught. Afterall, how could someone who ought to be tried for letting rioters go berserk in aftermath of Godhra can be head of a government. And inspite of my greatest regard for Atal Bihari Vajpayee, one reason why I supported Congress in last elections was because I was convinced that BJP needs to be punished for what it allowed to happen in Gujarat.

But yesterday, as I streamed webcast of CNN-IBN to follow Gujarat election results, I was hoping Modi would win. And for simple reason that I have begun to realize that Congress’s brand of communalism will hurt this country more in a long run. I must clarify that I still blame Narendra Modi for Gujarat riots and I have little respect for him given his outright cheap and demeaning political speeches in last election.

But as I said before only reason why I wanted Modi to win, was because I wanted Congress to lose. Same Congress that I supported in last elections, which in hindsight was a mistake. Why? Let’s just sample few of the great steps being considered by this government to figure out why:

1. Muslim policemen in Muslim dominated areas
2. Preference for Muslims in Indian Army
3. Higher UGC grants for colleges with more Muslims
4. Directive to banks to include lending to Muslims under priority sector banking
5. More Muslims on government job interview panels so that more Muslims get selected

So if you just mistook Muslim for a synonym for Indian, you ain’t the only one out there to make that mistake. Apparently, Government of sovereign, socialist, secular, democratic republic of India led by Mr. Muslimmohan Singh err Manmohan Singh seems to have similar misunderstanding.

Now, just in case anyone here thinks that I have turned Hindu nationalist. Hold on.
I HATE COMMUNALISM.
And I hate communalism in its all forms. And you can refer the definition of communalism at the beginning of this post because communalism means religious bias and not just Hindu bias as Indian politicians seem to believe. So, while there is no denying that BJP has communal shades all over, but is Congress any different? BJP at least kept Army out of its communal agenda. And so, when on TV you hear a congressman call Narendra Modi communal, you just can’t help liking it to pot calling the kettle black.

We the people of India are today faced with a choice between devil and deep blue sea. Either we can side with a Communal BJP or a Communal Congress. Either we can vote for Gujarat rioters or Sikh rioters. Either we can elect a government which would thing twice before hanging Dara Singh or a government which would think thrice about hanging Mohammed Afzal. But the real tragedy is that while one of them would always win, we will always lose. We may help one of them to get elected but in the end we will be the ones who’ll end up being sorry for making that choice. Just as I today rue supporting Congress in 2004, I might be sitting and sulking few years down the line for supporting BJP in 2009.
And that’s why I say Frustration thy name is Indian Politics.

He again woke up in the middle of night. He figured it must be around 3 in the morning. At first when he started getting up in night, he used to keep his watch close by to see the time. Now he just has to look out of the window. One of many lessons time taught him that he never thought himself capable of learning.

It was another dark night, clouds held rein over the night sky but thankfully it was not raining. He absolutely detested that sound of rain lashing against the window pane during the nights. Initially, when he used to wake up to find rain beating hard against the window, he used to feel like screaming at the top of his voice to silence that rain. Now, he just prays for a rainless night before going to bed. But not so long ago, he loved the sound and sight of rain.

He poured himself some water from the jug and started sipping it slowly. He was not thirsty but this is one of those routines that he had invented to spend these almost unending hours. At first, he got himself some books to keep company but then he realized that eyes that can’t sleep through the night can also not read through the night. He stayed awake for three consecutive nights without turning a page and then he realized that sipping a glass of water in dark is a better bet against the night than making oneself conspicuous in the light of table lamp. Now all his books sit in the shelf opposite to his bed, reminding him of days when life was still about hope, ambition and dreams.

And life indeed was good to him till not so long ago. But then he played and lost the most important gamble of his life. Fate conspired with his dreams to make him give up all he ever owned in pursuit of one thing which he can never own. And he fell for it. He staked his entire self to win something which he then realized could never be his to keep. And so at the end of it, all he was left with was a sense of betrayal and bitterness. His dreams betrayed him, his fate embittered him. And they took away everything - his sound sleep, his enthusiasm for life, his little joys and mobility of his lower body.

As his half-paralysed body lay on that hospital bed waiting for dawn to arrive, he suddenly heard the sound of raindrops hitting the window. Another of his prayer went unanswered...

Last Friday, this blog turned 1.

And as I look back, it has been an eventful year. Over the course of this year, a lot changed and still a lot remained the same. I went through times which took turns being joyous, sad, anxious, calm, desperate, exciting, frustrating and boring but this blog stayed with me through all that.

I weaved stories, analysed politics, reviewed movies, mulled over the past, dissected nothings and acted wise ;-) But through all this, what kept bringing me back here was that I could be myself here. I could weave fantasies, create characters, voice my frustration, criticize what I disliked and yearn for what I wanted.

And hopefully this is one thing that would not change with turn of calendar.

Other day I was finding my way through a shopping mall and as I looked down I found a really old couple going down the escalators. They must be really old, I guess both of them must be somewhere in mid-70s. Must have been married for around 40-50 years or so. And just when I was about to take my eyes off them, I saw uncle getting off the escalator and holding out his hand for the auntie. She took his hand and came off the escalator, she held a walking stick and was walking very slowly but uncle not for a moment walked ahead of her. It was visible even to my untrained eyes that he is taking those little steps just to walk together with her. I was really distant to notice any facial expressions, but I guess there wouldn’t have been any – there was no need for them. All that was there was - a silent understanding, an unstated awareness of each other’s need and trust developed over so many years that one would be there when other will need him/her.

It was just a little incident, but it was beautiful and left me with a smile that was happy for someone I may never see again :)

Do you know why Will Smith titled his movie – Pursuit of Happyness?
That’s because God had copy rights on the phrase “Pursuit of Happiness”. Yeah, that’s what He calls life up there.

And isn’t it what life is all about – Pursuit of Happiness. Just in case you think, key word there is Happiness – gotcha – you are wrong. Key word there is “Pursuit”. A pursuit that gets defeated by shortness of life. I suggest that next time they find a star really distant from earth – they should name it ‘Happiness’. Just think about the headline in newspaper next day :
Happiness discovered five million light years away from Earth
Apt. Isn’t it? Even if man can travel at speed of light, longest one has ever lived is 110-120 years, so no would ever get to even reach closer to Happiness. [- the star]

Did any of you used to see those mythological serials on Doordashan long back – they used to show Gods talking and whenever they wanted to punish someone they would pack him to earth. I used to think of it as a pretty easy deal on the culprit ;-) Guess, now I have discovered my Godliness ;-), now I can make perfect sense why anyone would do that. Probably, earth is actually a prison for souls that did something wrong on some planet beta and so they were given a jail uniform (read human body) and sent to this prison, where they get to do jail hours (read work) to earn their living and serve their time (read life) till they can go back again to planet beta ;-)

Now am sure you would have seen those smiling faces and must have heard those ringing laughter – don’t be fooled. It was joy, not happiness. Yeah, life does have enough joy to offer – that’s God’s way of making it up to us. So He packs the joy in small boxes and drops it from up there for us to catch. Remind me again of DD – news this time – that footage of army men dropping food packets from air force planes in flooded areas. That’s how life is - flooded with unhappiness – but for humanitarian reasons – God keeps dropping us those packets of joy – few of us catch them, thank God for that and rest of us wonder what’s there in that packet. We look at that smile and mistook it to be happiness, but its just joy my dear friends. Joy which will not last anyone for ever, coz it’s just instantaneous & ephemeral.

I wonder, why God even gave hope to humans that they can be happy – its sheer cruelty – I mean, just plain tell them, you gonna be a wretched lot down there. One learns to live with his lot. But nopes He chose to be sheer mean and cruel. And for His sadistic pleasure He invented ‘hope’, so that He can look at people living in a constant hope that they can be happy, things can be better. And poor us, we cling on to hope and keep up the ‘pursuit’.

I remember that tale about Lord Buddha, where he had asked a woman whose young child has died, that go get a bowl of rice from a home where no one has ever died and then He would bring her son back to life. Similarly, today I wanna play God, so just show me a man who has been truly happy in his life and I will put you in a constant state of bliss as well !!!